this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
