I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
