MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
