I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I am mentally ready for anal.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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