This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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