Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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