Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
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Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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