I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
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