So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
