so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I look better un-naked...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
