i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
