I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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