Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.