I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
