Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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