carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
