I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
