A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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