i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
