break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
