you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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