I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
