It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
