i jhust puked up my retainher.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
