How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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