I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
