I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
