rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
