No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
