I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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