The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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