help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
