It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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