I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
