I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
