the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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