Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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