I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
