had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
