Don't make out with my wife yet
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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