She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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