His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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