Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
