dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
