I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
only if we run a train.
done.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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