hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
