The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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