My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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