When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
