I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
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Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
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The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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