I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
