Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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