Got a toothbrush?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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