To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
