I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
